Wonder and Worth
2019 has been quite a year. We began the year excited, settled in a direction, secure in it, and powering forward. I was creating good art, studying and learning, increasing in skill as my artistic vision widened. We were building on what the previous years had taught us and I was encouraged that 2019 was to be an amazing year.
As I sit here early in the morning on the last day of 2019, the focus feels very different than how this year began.
We got home late last night from hospice where my 96 year old Grandmother, who has truly been one of my most profound art influencers, lies in wait. Her life on this side of heaven is coming to an end and she’ll be at the beginning of eternity on the other side. I sat quietly by her bedside last night looking at her, listening to her breathe and realizing how short our time is here. I’m sure, at moments like these, our thoughts and contemplation move to things we don’t typically consider in our daily lives. Sadly, over the past few years, we’ve sat at the bedside of several loved ones making that journey. These moments, where one considers their own mortality, the life lists of do’s and should’s get prioritized….and our feet settle on a path in a new direction for having the experience.
I look back on my life with Grandma, a beautiful woman from Oklahoma, of Cherokee descent, a horsewoman, an artistic soul, and I began to think of all the roles she’s played in my life. Her high cheek bones and icy blue eyes were
striking features as she was a beautiful woman to look at and introduced me to creating the perfect lipstick application at probably too early of an age to be wearing makeup. Her humor in everyday life as she would create a snowman with us that looked like a curvy female, Aphrodite type sculpture, that she dressed in a fabric bikini and shocked the school bus driver. Those moments where she’d put on a record and begin belly dancing and shocking us! Yes, she’s unique. She would sit at her table with me and draw. I remember watching her draw a bird, resting her pencil on a piece of paper beginning to make ovals, moving gracefully and smoothly never lifting the lead until the full bird was sketched. I was amazed as a young creative who looked up to her so much. She made it possible for me to consider that I might be an artist as she let me play with paint, pencils, and whatever scavenged supplies might be found on her property. Rocks, slate, broken jewelry, and tree bark.
She was not perfect, she had her flaws and personal difficulties as we all do, but to me….(looking at the positives) She gave me inspiration, creative vision, shelter, protection, love, and my first look at faith.
I wonder what my Grandbabes will be left with for having experienced life with me.
I wonder if Grandma ever pondered such a question.
I wonder if she had an awareness (as I have right now) that her decisions, actions, her presence was making an impact as she was just doing her daily and getting through life. Those little snapshots that I’ve just recalled, I wonder if she knew her worth.
So, as 2020 begins, I begin it with a newness in perspective.
I, again, am excited. I’m not settled in a direction of my own imagination but powering forward in faith. My security and provision are wrapped up in God’s direction and plan as I seek to walk in the spirit with the an awareness that the significance of each moment and a deeper knowledge that each moment has potential impact on generations to come.
How will my Grandchildren recall moments with me and will they wonder if I knew my worth?